So there I was. I now had no God. I was prepared to tell anyone who made the assumption that I did. I was hanging on to one major branch of thought: I am still capable of being a good person. I did not need the fear of God to scare me into being mindful and right. I did not need to cling on to a hope of heaven or the punishment of hell to keep me in line. Regardless of my spiritual beliefs, I still had morals. For morals do not stem only from religion. They grow from cultures, societies, families, friends, and from consequences from our very own actions.
Still I felt disconnected. I was no longer a part of something. I was no longer a part of the group of loving people who accepted me and loved me. After growing up with the notion that I must devote my life to something other than myself, I began my search. I had no idea what I was looking for in form. All I knew was that I was searching for something to belong to. After all, who wants to be called agnostic or atheist? Some in ignorance even proclaim these labels signify the worship of the devil. Of course I don't believe in the devil either.
My search revolved around a disbelief in any higher being. I am not revolting against Christ in particular. I am merely too grounded by the justification of reality to think that there is a higher power in charge of my life. I am in charge of my life. But I do think it is important to keep Christianity alive and well. There are over two billion Christians in this world. Traditions have formed around our religions. Humans cling to hope and it keeps them well and happy. Therefore we need religion, and I resolve to never attempt to disprove or refute the concept of anyone's religion.
In my quest for affiliation, I came across Buddhism. But that couldn't be it. Buddhism is the Eastern religion of rubbing the belly of a little fat man right? As a matter of fact, most schools of Buddhism do not believe in gods. The main point of Buddhism is to teach us to be in control of our own actions. In fact, Buddhism is not a religion. Buddhism is a system of education, here to teach us the path to enlightenment. Buddhism can be adopted by every person in this world. You can still be a devout Christian and practice the concepts of Buddhism. Further posts will explain the concept of Buddhism and also explore the reality of ignorance regarding its real meaning.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Beginning
My very first post shall serve as an introduction. Content will be added slowly to this blog for my life is full and these posts will be scholarly. The reason I am starting this blog is, importantly, to inform myself. I have not faced much in the name of discrimination in my life. I was raised as a Christian. However, as I got older, my doubts began to swell. By the time I hit college, any belief I once had in a powerful being had dissipated into a vast emptiness. I was deeply ashamed by my inability to embrace the belief of God and the writings of his disciples. All I had been taught about creation and existence was completely detached from my soul. But instead of embodying this new thought process, I repressed it. I was embarrassed that I was disobeying the rules I had been taught, embarrassed that I couldn't just listen to what they were saying, embarrassed that I was different. Different from all the others in my community, most others in this geographic region.
As time went on, my dilemma worsened. Now I was pregnant. I was to bring forth new life onto this planet, and I didn't even know how I got here and why I was here. I didn't know what to believe, and worst of all, I was hiding it. Something had to be done. I began attending church. Surely Pastor Chris, with his eloquent sermons, could somehow re-convince me that God does exist. Every Sunday, without avail, I attended the service. I sang for the congregation, listened intently to the Pastor's words, contemplated the lessons. When my beautiful son was born, I brought him to church every Sunday. I baptized him, not even knowing why.
But deep down, I didn't care why. Because deep down, I still didn't believe. I was incapable of believing, and I was dismayed. Now what? First thing was first. I had to take a step. I had to push past the boundary of fear, walk through the steaming cloud of uncertainty into the darkness of the unknown. And slowly, I started to embrace my new belief. My first step was within myself. I had to delve into my own mind and understand what I really believed. Finally, I was ready to come out.
Come out? Yes. Come out and face the ugly reality that many people will suddenly disapprove of me. But one thing was for sure. I refused to continue to live a lie. In order to be true with myself and to be true with others, I could not go on acting like I was a Christian. One by one, I started telling people. Breaking the news like I had just killed someone. Gritting my teeth and expecting the blow. Most of the time, I got what I expected. "Veronica! Shame on you!" "What? Well how do you explain how we got here then?" I got arguments that did not come close to budging my thoughts. I listened. I listened intently. If their arguments were to persuade me, I would not fight back. In fact, I would embrace my new belief, for I would no longer be an outcast in society.
An outcast. When you live in a small, rural area, you are not exposed to much. Not just religions, but ethnicities and sexualities as well. In the town in which I grew up, there were only a few of other races and no homosexuals. I was always outraged by those who choose to be racist and homophobic - I still am. But that is a different subject. The point is, in the rural Midwest, if you are not the same, you are wrong. Thus the creation of this blog. I want to study the meaning behind this so that I can accept it. I cannot change that I will be discriminated against, but I can change how I feel about it.
Buddhism came into play later in my journey. Never have I been as happy as I am now, studying the principles of Buddhism. But what is Buddhism? Do you worship a statue of a little fat guy? This misconception along with many others is probably the basis of the intolerance of Buddhism in the rural Midwest. And thus begins my study of the issue.
As time went on, my dilemma worsened. Now I was pregnant. I was to bring forth new life onto this planet, and I didn't even know how I got here and why I was here. I didn't know what to believe, and worst of all, I was hiding it. Something had to be done. I began attending church. Surely Pastor Chris, with his eloquent sermons, could somehow re-convince me that God does exist. Every Sunday, without avail, I attended the service. I sang for the congregation, listened intently to the Pastor's words, contemplated the lessons. When my beautiful son was born, I brought him to church every Sunday. I baptized him, not even knowing why.
But deep down, I didn't care why. Because deep down, I still didn't believe. I was incapable of believing, and I was dismayed. Now what? First thing was first. I had to take a step. I had to push past the boundary of fear, walk through the steaming cloud of uncertainty into the darkness of the unknown. And slowly, I started to embrace my new belief. My first step was within myself. I had to delve into my own mind and understand what I really believed. Finally, I was ready to come out.
Come out? Yes. Come out and face the ugly reality that many people will suddenly disapprove of me. But one thing was for sure. I refused to continue to live a lie. In order to be true with myself and to be true with others, I could not go on acting like I was a Christian. One by one, I started telling people. Breaking the news like I had just killed someone. Gritting my teeth and expecting the blow. Most of the time, I got what I expected. "Veronica! Shame on you!" "What? Well how do you explain how we got here then?" I got arguments that did not come close to budging my thoughts. I listened. I listened intently. If their arguments were to persuade me, I would not fight back. In fact, I would embrace my new belief, for I would no longer be an outcast in society.
An outcast. When you live in a small, rural area, you are not exposed to much. Not just religions, but ethnicities and sexualities as well. In the town in which I grew up, there were only a few of other races and no homosexuals. I was always outraged by those who choose to be racist and homophobic - I still am. But that is a different subject. The point is, in the rural Midwest, if you are not the same, you are wrong. Thus the creation of this blog. I want to study the meaning behind this so that I can accept it. I cannot change that I will be discriminated against, but I can change how I feel about it.
Buddhism came into play later in my journey. Never have I been as happy as I am now, studying the principles of Buddhism. But what is Buddhism? Do you worship a statue of a little fat guy? This misconception along with many others is probably the basis of the intolerance of Buddhism in the rural Midwest. And thus begins my study of the issue.
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