The Beginning

My very first post shall serve as an introduction. Content will be added slowly to this blog for my life is full and these posts will be scholarly. The reason I am starting this blog is, importantly, to inform myself. I have not faced much in the name of discrimination in my life. I was raised as a Christian. However, as I got older, my doubts began to swell. By the time I hit college, any belief I once had in a powerful being had dissipated into a vast emptiness. I was deeply ashamed by my inability to embrace the belief of God and the writings of his disciples. All I had been taught about creation and existence was completely detached from my soul. But instead of embodying this new thought process, I repressed it. I was embarrassed that I was disobeying the rules I had been taught, embarrassed that I couldn't just listen to what they were saying, embarrassed that I was different. Different from all the others in my community, most others in this geographic region.

As time went on, my dilemma worsened. Now I was pregnant. I was to bring forth new life onto this planet, and I didn't even know how I got here and why I was here. I didn't know what to believe, and worst of all, I was hiding it. Something had to be done. I began attending church. Surely Pastor Chris, with his eloquent sermons, could somehow re-convince me that God does exist. Every Sunday, without avail, I attended the service. I sang for the congregation, listened intently to the Pastor's words, contemplated the lessons. When my beautiful son was born, I brought him to church every Sunday. I baptized him, not even knowing why.

But deep down, I didn't care why. Because deep down, I still didn't believe. I was incapable of believing, and I was dismayed.  Now what? First thing was first. I had to take a step. I had to push past the boundary of fear, walk through the steaming cloud of uncertainty into the darkness of the unknown. And slowly, I started to embrace my new belief. My first step was within myself. I had to delve into my own mind and understand what I really believed. Finally, I was ready to come out.

Come out? Yes. Come out and face the ugly reality that many people will suddenly disapprove of me. But one thing was for sure. I refused to continue to live a lie. In order to be true with myself and to be true with others, I could not go on acting like I was a Christian. One by one, I started telling people. Breaking the news like I had just killed someone. Gritting my teeth and expecting the blow. Most of the time, I got what I expected. "Veronica! Shame on you!" "What? Well how do you explain how we got here then?"  I got arguments that did not come close to budging my thoughts. I listened. I listened intently. If their arguments were to persuade me, I would not fight back. In fact, I would embrace my new belief, for I would no longer be an outcast in society.

An outcast. When you live in a small, rural area, you are not exposed to much.  Not just religions, but ethnicities and sexualities as well. In the town in which I grew up, there were only a few of other races and no homosexuals. I was always outraged by those who choose to be racist and homophobic - I still am. But that is a different subject. The point is, in the rural Midwest, if you are not the same, you are wrong. Thus the creation of this blog. I want to study the meaning behind this so that I can accept it. I cannot change that I will be discriminated against, but I can change how I feel about it.

Buddhism came into play later in my journey. Never have I been as happy as I am now, studying the principles of Buddhism. But what is Buddhism? Do you worship a statue of a little fat guy? This misconception along with many others is probably the basis of the intolerance of Buddhism in the rural Midwest. And thus begins my study of the issue.